Dear Best Friend, Goodbye
Losing a best friend is a pretty shitty thing to go through, especially as an adult. Let's face it. Being an adult, and a mom, and a WOMAN in 2020 is hard enough as it is, but going at it without the support and outlet of a best friend can make it even harder. We NEED our women to surround us, to empower us, to make us laugh at all the stupid things we do. To keep us going. To drink wine on a Tuesday and complain about Karen down the street who always thinks her kids are better than ours! To eat pizza whenever the hell we want and text each other the most insignificant crap that only WE will get, that only WE would laugh at. It is necessary. It is VITAL. Your best friend keeps you ticking. And when you lose your best friend after a fight, you feel like part of you just STOPS ticking.
Over the past year, I have been questioning many things, many choices I have made and many behaviors I had grown accustomed to - comfortable with I guess. Behaviors that created poor communication and caused walls to grow incredibly high all around me. Fine. I don't need you. Stay the hell away from me then. I'm better off without you anyways!
I wanted out of that mindset. I made a promise to myself that this past year was the year to grow - to make the best changes and choices I possibly could for myself. For MONTHS I have focused my energy on trying to maintain only positive relationships, apologize for things I have done to cause rifts anywhere, grow as a person and learn from anything I've been doing wrong. To change those BEHAVIORS that I was so comfortable living with.
But I lost my best friend of 20-some years because those are things I WASN'T doing and because those were things I DIDN'T care about before. And I think the worst part about it is, I made a genuine, heartfelt attempt at reaching out to make amends, knowing where to take fault and own my shit! To apologize for what happened to us. To communicate and see if we could mend what was broken and get back what we had built over years and years. YEARS! But my attempt was not successful and, I never got the response I was hoping for. In fact, I got NO response. For days, I was in my email checking and checking. Looking through spam, "maybe her work email defaulted to the junk box!", telling myself, "she probably just needs time to process her thoughts before she can respond." I would refresh, and refresh, and refresh and spend way too much time each day wondering if today was the day she would have her response! Yes! This is it! It feels like it's coming today!
It never came. "Why? Why the hell not?" I asked myself this over and over. "I have changed, damn it - she has to accept my apology!" I rationalized with myself until it made me sick. Until the rationalization turned to realization - you cannot force your energy onto anyone who is not ready or willing to accept it. And, I know in my heart, it's not coming. The acceptance is not coming. You get to a certain point where that whole "no response IS a response" kicks in and then.....you give up. I told myself it wasn't meant to happen and that not everyone is meant to stay in each other's lives forever and I just.....let go.
I recently started a new journey for myself that includes SO MANY great things and I feel like I have finally gotten myself to a place where I am genuinely content with what I have, and who I am, and where I am going! I have regrets that my best friend is not here to share any of this with me, but I also know that if I spend all of my days focused on what I lost and looking for answers, I will never be able to fully appreciate what I have now and be ready for where I am heading. Which is FORWARD.
Forward is the only direction you can keep going when you don't know what to do or when you feel lost.....when you stop ticking. Going backwards will never fix anything and falling down will get you nowhere. So just move FORWARD.
I miss you best friend. I miss the hell out of what we had. I wish you could be here and be part of all of this. But, goodbye.